Thursday, September 8, 2011

Change vs. Insanity

Christmas 2009 - 5'8" - 230 lbs, my heaviest weight

Insanity is trying the same thing over and over again getting the same results but expecting change.
Change is leaving behind what you've always done, leaving your comfort zone, and creating new habits.

I weight 214 lbs.  I am 5'8" and I have "large bones" meaning that I am a big, tall girl.

My boyfriend says I am beautiful.  He touches me lovingly.  He never says anything critical or judgmental.  But he is very trim & fit & healthy.  I shudder when I picture us sleeping next to each other.  (My boyfriend weights 160ish and is 6' tall)

I am petrified to actually TRY to lose weight.  I am literally sitting here on my bed, typing these words with tears in my eyes.

But after reading some inspiration blogs and after constantly wishing I would somehow magically lose weight while still wolfing down entire packages of peanut butter fudge, I have made myself face the cold hard truth.  I am not going to lose weight or be healthy when I am eating the same way and NOT exercising, the same way.

I despise my body.  I pretend to love it.  And I don't.

I have always believed I couldn't lose weight.  I put myself down constantly, and that must stop.

I CAN do anything I put my mind to.  And just for kicks, even tho I'm not a practicing Christian, I can do anything with the strength Christ gives me.

I'm going upstairs to take some full-body shots, then I'm going to work out.  I am going to do something active for at least 30 minutes, and hopefully 45 or more.

Afterwards, I will probably be extremely stressed & discouraged & tempted to get up in the morning & eat Reese's puffs for breakfast.  But I am going to make a good effort.  NO!  I am going to BE healthy and make HEALTHY choices for my poor sick, weary body that needs my help.

Please please wish me luck.  Here's to a terrifying new adventure.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Science Nerd Hair Experiments!

Every girl loves her lotions & potions, right?  We have a thousand little bottles of hand creme, face creme, repairing moisturizing hair conditioner, clarifying shampoo, 2-in-1, shaving gel, 30 different kinds of Bath & Body Words scented lotions, and about 50 varying brands of perfumes.

I am a potion-lover.  But my hair is not a potion-lover.  It's been dyed & bleached & permed & scrunched & blow-dried mercilessly.  I didn't really care & thought this was all just par for the course.  Every woman does these things - if not more - for the sake of beautiful hair.  Riiight??

I discovered all-natural hair care methods online yesterday, and I have been changed.  My jug of 2in1 Pantene clarifying potion sits on my shower shelf, untouched.  I washed my hair this morning with baking soda & water mixed together & poured on my scalp.  Then I conditioned with a watered-down mix of apple cider vinegar.  My hair?  LOVES IT.

I am a makeup-lover.  I wear makeup every day.  Without it, I feel I look like a man.  I love my mascara.  I love my foundation.  I love blush & bronzer.  But my skin doesn't love it.  Last night I washed my face with honey.  YES HONEY!  How weird is that?  You put a dollop in your hands, rub them together (ewww sticky!!!) until the honey is warmed by the friction.  Then you slap your hands on your face and rub all over to spread the warm honey onto your pores. 

I laughed at my self out loud as I was doing this in front of my bathroom mirror last night.  My little remainders of pure, raw honey were just enough to cover my face.  (I'll be buying more.)  I used some olive oil on a cotton ball to dab at my eyes until my mascara was running down my face, then rotated the cotton ball, added more olive oil, and re-applied to the dirty mascara-smeared parts of my face.  I let the honey sit for 5-10 minutes, then went back and washed it off.  My face was soooo soft & not dried out, but perfectly balanced.

The olive oil was a bit slimy and the residue stuck to my eyeballs, which was annoying. 

I've also taken to scrubbing my face with baking soda & water, then moisturizing with a dab of cocount oil (which warms on your skin & gets greasier as it does so).

Anyway; so far I've LOVED my new "science nerd" beauty experiments!  DIY and all-natural products are exciting to me right now.  Spread the love!

Monday, August 29, 2011

Fudge, fall, and filthy wh*res

I am unabashedly fond of fudge.  But not just any fudge; I have a particular affinity for peanut butter fudge.  It is so good.  And my local grocery store sells 1/2 lbs of it for $2.49.  This is my weakness.  And, unlike my very wise blog post previously, I am not strengthened by this weakness b/c I give in to it rather delightedly over and over again. :)  More thoughts on that delicious fudge later (after I eat the last piece).

Fall is rapidly approaching.  Today's temps were in the low 60s, and I was cold both morning and night.  It was very dark out...a cold kind of dark.  Do you ever find that summer nighttime darkness is nothing like winter nighttime darkness?  The dark in cold temperatures has a certain inkyness to it.  Anyway.  I digress.  Fall is approaching.  On Thursday, it will be September.  Kids will go back to school (not me, sadly), and county fair season will be in full swing.

My boyfriend bought me tickets to see Lady Antebellum at our local fair this weekend, but I am surprisingly not as stoked as I thought I would be.  For me, Lady Antebellum isn't an excitement factor, but more of a deep, thoughtful, emotional factor.  I was very fond of them when I was going through a messy break up, and have continued to love their music despite the connection.  But their music doesn't get me all jacked up, so that is probably why I am not as hugely excited to see them this weekend.  I am hoping it will be beautiful & romantic, as it most likely won't be a ragingly fun upbeat peppy crazy performance as wild as Weezer was at the fair last summer.

The fair is always fun.  Even if you have no money, it's still fun.  You can stare at the unending hoardes of strange, weirdly-dressed people.  You can smell all sorts of smells.  You can view exhibits.  And if you do have a little cash on hand, you can get some maple cotton candy and ride on the Ferris Wheel (two of Chris' and my favorite things at the Champlain Valley Expo).

Chris and I looove the Tunbridge Vermont World's Fair.  I discovered it in 2009 when I was with a different boyfriend, and despite the fact that he and I attended it the year before, I still enjoyed it when I returned the next year, this time with Chris (wow was that a run-on sentence?!).  Chris and his family have been involved in the Tunbridge Fair for years, basically since Chris was little; but he hadn't been back to the fair for a few years, so it was a fun experience for us to go together last year.  

We rode on the tilt-a-whirl and took pictures of our first "no-teeth-kiss" together on the ferris wheel (inspired by the many toothless Vermonters, perhaps?).  We heard his grandmother since with her award-winning lady's chorale, and we ate delicious piping hot apple crisp with a dab of cold, melting vanilla ice cream. 

The best thing about the Tunbridge Fair is the location & the weather. Both years I have been, the sky has been crisp clear blue, and the sun is just warm enough to make you feel comfortable but not hot enough to need short sleeves.  The colors of the fair carnies and vendors are vibrant, and the foliage on the surrounding Vermont mountains is too, but in a more beautiful, surreal way.

Anyway, I am looking forward to fall and the foliage and fairs.  I would rather have another month or 3 of summer (it's been a wet one here in Vermont), but I guess when you can't beat 'em you join ' I guess I will give into the yummy cider-scented candle craze, start fantasizing about sweaters and pie and crunchy fall leaves.  *sigh

On a totally different and random note!  My mother who is divorced and recently single after a semi-long-term dating relationship has recently met a great guy.  I at first was not a fan, admittedly.  I was a bit embarrassed of / for my mother that she should be dating AGAIN and still have no balance to her flighty bopping about with said various men to various un-motherly things such as concerts and motorcycle rides and nights spent *gasp* sleeping with him.  But I begrudgingly accepted the fact that, yes, it was time to be friendly and welcoming to another strange man (there really haven't been many, it's just a weird sensation to even when she was married, my father wasn't even that involved), and I was delightfully surprised to find that this new "beau", Tim, is freakin' awesome!!

He is a biker dude.  But he wears little round spectacle glasses.  And he works on computers.  So he is a self-proclaimed (somewhat) computer nerd.  He speaks well and reads well.  He and his daughters have a great sense of humor & wit.  And all together, my mom, Tim, his daughters, and me and my sisters (and Chris) have all spent a couple hours laughing great gusty laughs with him.  (He does really great voice impersonations) (And we laugh over the most ridiculous, semi-raunchy things like little perverted 3rd graders - to which all of us are slightly horrified but not enough to be ashamed or to stop.)  So all in all, he is a good sport.  And I am soo glad my mom is with him.  He has brought some light-heartedness into all of our lives and it is a relief to enjoy the company of a man (not unlike my awesome boyfriend Chris) who is a delight to be around b/c of his good humor and charm & general good-naturedness... as opposed to dorky, "manly" characteristics of always having to be / prove that he is right.  If you're really curious as to what the title refers to when I say "filthy whores" is because it's all of our joke that my mom is a filthy whore, Becca my sister is a cheap whore, my sister Sara is a dirty whore, and I am an expensive whore.  Yeah...we're really awful people.